Subject: Re: a serious question
From: dbriggs@rira5.nrl.navy.mil (Daniel Briggs)
Date: 1995/07/30
Message-ID: <3vet2r$fqa@ra.nrl.navy.mil>
Newsgroups: dc.romance Dr. Kimberly Walker wrote: >What do men REALLY want?

I certainly can't speak for all men -- none of us can and half the time I don't understand most specimens of my own gender I meet anyway. But I can speak for myself.

I'm looking for a life partner, what else?

In terms of finding the right one, there are some personality traits I find attractive. I like people who have some idea where they are going. I like colorful people. People treading water in life don't really do it for me. It doesn't have to be success in the traditional sense of the word. Some of the people I most admire in the whole world are those who have given up secure-but- boring jobs in order to pursue what really makes them happy. For other reasons things didn't work out long term with any of those folk, but you better believe I was interested. The ability to rely on oneself and follow where the personal muse leads is really attractive!

Kim wondered whether men are looking for a woman who will defer to them. For myself, nothing could be further from the truth. I want a woman with a spine and self-respect. I want a woman who values the worth of her own opinions (and incidentally one who is intelligent/perceptive enough that her opinions are worth valuing.) This is a obviously a problem if the woman has opinions greatly divergent from mine -- I'm strong willed myself and constant clashing is no fun. The meek and mild can get along with a wide variety of people but in seeking out a woman who is her own person, I have to find one that can get along with *me*. So this limits the field to those both not wishy-washy and who have fundamental outlooks similar to my own. (Yes, I know all about how to concede gracefully when I'm wrong and so presumably would a potential partner. But this only goes so far, if people are coming from very different directions.) It's a tough search, but I'm still optimistic and idealistic enough to believe that the right person is out there.

What else? I take both my work and my hobbies pretty seriously. I'm hoping to find someone who at least appreciates what it is that I do. No need to bat the eyes and breathily look adoring every time I change a light bulb, but I am looking to share some of life's triumphs with a partner. I've spent a decade training for the privilege of making half the salary I could in industry, doing something that I think is worth doing and fun to boot. Yeah, I'd hope that a mate will take some interest in what I do, as I will learn about what she does. Hobbies? It sounds trivial, but there are a fair number of things that I really like to do. My own muse calls, so to speak. To some extent, how I spend my evenings and weekends is open to negotiation, and of course I hope to find someone who can share these things with me. But there's not as much slack as you might think. Even if I give up something and she gives up something, and we take up something new together, there are still likely going to be a fair number of ways that I spend time which might not involve her. I tend to get along best with fairly independent women who do not insist on doing absolutely everything as a couple and who have activities of their own for times when we're not together. (To put it into somewhat more concrete terms, you might be able to break me of rock climbing and roller blading, if you were so inclined, but you probably couldn't touch the skydiving or motorcycle. We can go dancing together, but if it's a skydiving weekend -- I am going. You are invited to come along, but one way or another I am going.)

And since Kim asked for specifics, I'll admit that physical attractiveness does help incite and maintain interest. But it's only about 3rd or 4th from the top on my list of desirable traits. Like most of us, I'm no Adonis, but I'll do. Similarly, there are few Aphrodites out there and a lot of normal folks. (Besides, Athena is more my style.) Use well the body you've been given, and otherwise don't stress to much about this.

I've come to believe that I'm not horribly typical in what I'm looking for. But by example I exist, and I expect that there are others like me. For exactly the right person, I think I'd make a pretty darned good mate. And no doubt there's the right person out there for Kim too. Finding him may take some time -- believe me I know that it ain't easy -- but keep the faith.

And how about you, Kim? What do *you* want? I doubt that just finding any man is what you're after as well.

Dan
| Dr. Daniel Briggs (dbriggs@rira.nrl.navy.mil)
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