---

• Sticks and stones may break my bones but names can never hurt me. -- Mother    (Photos can't hurt either.)
• The world is not getting worse; it is just that the news coverage is getting better.
• Arsenic is natural; hemlock is organic.
• Fear is the most powerful enemy of reason. -- Al Gore
• He thought it wasn't his fault that he didn't learn to accept responsibility.
• A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent a pleasure. -- Oscar Wilde
• If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
• Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them. -- Lily Tomlin
• The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. -- Hubert H. Humphrey
• If tyranny and oppression ever come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy. -- James Madison
• In earlier times, entire wars were waged for the stated purpose of protecting democracy. Now wars are waged to protect freedom, democracy having been abolished toward that end. -- Brooke McEldowney's Thorax
• Metaphors are a way to help our minds process the unprocessible. The problems arise when we begin to believe literally in our own metaphors. -- Dan Brown, The Da Vinci Code
• Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. -- Plato
• Politics is a pendulum whose swings between anarchy and tyranny are fueled by perpetually rejuvenated illusions. -- Albert Einstein
• You cannot maintain a republic and empire simultaneously. -- Gore Vidal
• A fool often fails because he thinks what is difficult is easy, a wise man because he thinks what is easy is difficult. -- John Collins
• A man who thinks of himself as belonging to a particular national group in America has not yet become an American. -- Woodrow Wilson
• The bible teaches us how to go to heaven, not how the heavens go. -- Galileo
• You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough. -- William Blake
• Patriotism means being loyal to your country all the time and to its government when it deserves it. -- Mark Twain
• One of the greatest delusions in the world is the hope that the evils in this world are to cured by legislation. -- Thomas B. Reed (1886)
• Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art. -- Tom Stoppard
• You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. -- Mark Twain
• Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.
• If things are not to your liking, change your liking.
• The days of the digital watch are numbered. -- Tom Stoppard
• The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: If there is any reaction, both are transformed. -- Carl Jung
• Heisenberg may have slept here.
• Copernicus stopped the sun and made the earth move.
• Life without festivity is like a long road without an inn.
• Everything was so different before everything changed.
• Entropy isn't what it used to be.
• Where would we be without rhetorical questions?
• Puritanism is the fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. -- H. L. Mencken
• If electricity comes from electrons, perhaps morality comes from morons.
• First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win. -- Mohandas Gandhi
• If everything seems to be going your way, maybe you're in the wrong lane.
• Things that do everything don't do anything very well.
• Television is a new medium. It's called a medium because nothing is well done. -- Fred Allen
• Love means nothing to a tennis player.
• Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from your kids. -- Erma Bombeck
• I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. -- Steven Wright
• Does a backward poet write in-verse?
• If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed?
• If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. -- Steven Wright
• If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress? -- Gallagher
• Let us be thankful for fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed. -- Mark Twain
• Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked "Brightness", but it doesn't work. -- Gallagher
• A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother
• He started out with nothing and he still has most of it.
• A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence university education. -- George Bernard Shaw
• We learn from failure, not from success! -- Van Helsing in Bram Stoker's Dracula
• God put us here to accomplish something in our lifetimes. I am so far behind now, I'll never be able to die
• Everything you can imagine is real. -- Pablo Picasso
• Some painters transform the sun into a yellow spot; others transform a yellow spot into the sun. -- Pablo Picasso
• Research is to see what everyone else has seen, but to think what no one else has thought.
• Things should be made as simple as possible, but not any simpler. -- Albert Einstein
• Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted, counts. -- Albert Einstein
• The human race likes to give itself airs. One good volcano can produce more greenhouse gases in a year than the human race has in its entire history." -- Ray Bradbury
• I am not against the Lord. I'm against those who claim to speak for him. -- Bill Maher
• It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong -- Voltaire
• A conservative doesn't want anything to happen for the first time; a liberal feels it should happen, but not now. -- Mort Sahl
• Few people can be happy unless they hate some other person, nation, or creed. -- Bertrand Russell
• A cult is a religion with no political power. -- Tom Wolfe
• If you attack stupidity you attack an entrenched interest with friends in government and every walk of life, and you will make small progress against it. -- Samuel Marchbanks
• We are willing enough to praise freedom when she is safely tucked away in the past and cannot be a nuisance. In the present, amidst dangers whose outcome we cannot foresee, we get nervous about her, and admit censorship. -- E.M. Forster
• The purpose of education is to replace an empty mind with an open one. -- Malcolm Forbes
• If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. -- Derek Bok
• The only people you should get even with are those who have helped you.
• Try to please all, and you will please none.
• The plural of spouse is spice.
• Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. -- Winston Churchill
• Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of thirty-five. -- Joel Hildebrand
• The best way to have a good idea is to have a lot of ideas. -- Linus Pauling
• Superstition is merely ignorance of the way the world functions.
• The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. -- Niels Bohr
• I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. -- Galileo
• Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly do without the necessities. -- Frank Lloyd Wright
• Time is nature's way of ensuring that everything doesn't happen at once.
• Time, like mathematics is a concept, a way we devise to understand experience. Asking when time began is like asking when mathematics began. -- Marilyn Van Savant
• There's no future in time travel.
• If you eat a bowl of antipasto and then eat a bowl of pasta, are you still hungry?
• Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with. -- Dave Barry
• Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. -- Alex Levine
• Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. -- Dave Barry
• It's bad luck to be superstitious.
• A metaphor is like a simile.
• It is better to wear out than to rust out.
• Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. (Anything said in Latin sounds profound.)
• Blessed are those who debate with the mute, for they shall be called dentists.
• Everyone should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink. -- W. C. Fields
• Titanic, this is the Hindenburg. Send up a flair so we can find you.
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
• Two Rules For Success are:
  1. Never tell people everything you know.

  We are friends of liberty everywhere, but we are only the guardians of our own. -- John Adams

  The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to the office. -- Robert Frost

  Fear less, hope more, eat less, chew more, whine less, breathe more, talk less, say more, hate less, love more, and all good things will be yours -- Swedish proverb

  If you get up early, work late, and pay your taxes, you will get ahead -- if you strike oil. -- J. Paul Getty

  Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. -- Stephen Wright

  Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain won't work.

  If there's a ring in the tub, please answer it.

  It must be spring, the saps are running again.

  Fast, good, cheap -- pick two.

  If you are irreplaceable, how can you be promoted?

  Why do we drive in a parkway but park in a driveway?

  Why do we wind up a clock to start it, but wind up a meeting to end it?

  Why is a wise guy the opposite of a wise man?

  Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

  Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

  The word carburetor is French for leave it alone.

  So, you took an IQ test and the results were negative.

  The lottery is tax on people who are bad at math.

  Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey

  Geologists are fault finders.

  Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson on ESP

  He thought the formula for water was H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O (H-to-O).

  It is the customary fate of new truths to begin as heresies and end as superstitions. -- T. H. Huxley

  We will make electricity so cheap that only the rich will burn candles. -- Thomas Edison

  A day without coffee is like night. You sleep most of the time.

  Is onomatopoeia spelled like it sounds?

  I don't want to be immortal through my work. I want to be immortal through not dying. -- Woody Allen

  Cuisine is something like food but the portions are smaller and the prices are higher. If the cuisine is French, then the waiter will insult you.

  He who will not reason is a bigot; he who cannot is a fool; and he who dares not is a slave. -- Sir William Drummond

  You are conscious when you are aware of something; conscience is when you wish you weren't.

  What's worse, ignorance or apathy? Don't know, don't care.

  A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

  I've been dieting for a month, and all I've lost is 30 days.

  The Service Engineer has never seen a model quite like yours.

  Half the people in the world are below average.

  You have to bend over backwards to get a job as a yoga instructor.

  All generalizations are false.

  Me, a skeptic? I trust you have proof.

  I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

  The only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a civilized community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others. His own good, either physical or moral, is not a sufficient warrant. -- John Stuart Mill, On Liberty

  It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. -- Steven Wright

  There's a lot of comedy on television, but does this cause comedy in the streets?

  Why is it called it a building when it looks like it's finished. Shouldn't it be called a built?

  Engineering is like having an 8 am class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life, but the pay is much better.

  Don't treat computers as though they were human; they hate it.

  Programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas because oct(31) = dec(25).

  If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

  Unix is the answer, but only if you phrase the question very carefully.

  Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes. -- E. W. Dijkstra

  It was mentioned on CNN that the new prime number discovered recently is four times bigger than the previous record. -- John Blasik

A short history of medicine: Doctor, I have an ear ache.

2000 BC -- 1000 BC -- 1850 AD -- 1940 AD -- 1985 AD -- 2000 AD --

Here, eat this root. That root is heathen, say this prayer. That prayer is superstition, drink this potion. That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill. That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic. That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

The difference between heaven and hell is that

In heaven the police are British the cooks are French the mechanics are German the lovers are Italian the Swiss are the organizers

In hell the police are German the cooks are British the mechanics are French the lovers are Swiss the Italians are the organizers

Different viewpoints on a glass of water

The optimist thinks the glass is half full. The pessimist thinks the glass is half empty. The engineer knows the glass is too large by a factor of two.

Proof that odd numbers are prime

The Mathematician: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, therefore, by induction, all odd numbers are prime. The Physicist: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime. The Engineer: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is approximately prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime. The Computer Scientist: 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime

Other Sayings Sites

Words of Wisdom from Albert Einstein

Politically incorrect sayings for those not easily offended.

---

Disclaimer: This material has been collected from various sources. If this page violates any copyright, let me know and the material will be removed. However, if you are offended, then don't look. This page is for entertainment only; comments are welcome.

     

Home | Common Sense | Fun, Java | Jokes | Mispronounced Words | Philosophy | Puzzles, Illusions | Riddles | Search

You are visitor since March 27, 1996

Revised: October 9, 2008 -- Copyright © 1997-2008 ARMiller